Our Gentle Weaning Journey
This week will mark one month since I last breastfed my child. I wish I could say that the last time she nursed was this magical moment where we looked into each other’s eyes and mutually agreed that this would be the end of this special journey of ours, but in all honesty, I can’t even remember the exact day we stopped. It wasn’t completely planned, and it just sort of happened- the slow and gradual culmination of the most difficult thing i’ve ever done in my life, and probably the most rewarding,
After my daughter turned one, I had decided in my head (and declared out loud to my husband many times) that I was done breastfeeding. The night feeds were what wore me down the most- she continued nursing for upto 4 times at night until she was two. But in the end, I just couldn’t bring myself to stop. It had taken us so long to get to the point where breastfeeding came naturally to the both of us. It was our go to for fussiness, for long car journeys, for overstimulation, for tiredness, for just about anything really. How could I willingly let go of my hard earned number one parenting tool?!
A few weeks before she turned two, I went on a week long work trip. Everyone reassured me saying that by the time I was back, she would be successfully weaned off the breast and sleeping through the night. I should have known better. As soon as I walked into the door one week later, my headstrong child said, “Mama, let’s go have dudu? (our word for nursing)! Of course, I was ecstatic that our breastfeeding journey hadn’t ended just yet, and surprised that I still had milk after a whole week of not nursing (I wasn’t prepared and had to hand express almost every day I was away). We were scheduled to travel back home for a month and a half and I told myself that once we were back, I would try to gently stop.
The first thing I did was to hand over afternoon nap duty to our nanny. She was 2 years and 2 months at this time. It went smoothly enough, and although I was relieved, I was also a little sad as nursing to nap was one of the ways we connected during my otherwise busy work days.
Next up was bedtime nursing. I started noticing that she would nurse for just a few seconds and pull off quickly, then ask for her father to put her to sleep. I assumed that my milk supply had dropped now as we were no longer nursing during the day. Slowly, her father was able to put her to sleep straight away without her needing to nurse first.
Then, the middle of the night feeds. This had reduced to about one or two at this point. So her father continued to sleep with her in her room while I slept in our room. Whenever she woke, he would put her back to sleep himself. Gradually, these wakes and the wake times reduced.
Finally, the early morning feed. This was the hardest to drop precisely because she was much more alert when she woke at this time, and less likely to go back to sleep easily. So by nursing her back to sleep, I knew that we would all get at least another hour of sleep if we were lucky. And just like that, one day around a month ago, she didn’t wake up early to nurse. We didn’t think too much of it and just assumed that the next day she would wake again asking to nurse. But she didn’t. And she hasn’t ever since.
I guess that over time I had prepared and supported her for the end by talking about how “mama’s dudu is finished”, how we would help her sleep in other ways, and how she could say “bye bye and thank you mama and dudu”. But in the process, I had forgotten to prepare myself.
For days after she stopped nursing, I felt lost. I wandered around aimlessly during bedtime while my husband handled everything flawlessly as always. What would my purpose in her life be now? How would we ever connect so deeply and meaningfully? How would we manage difficult times without my trusty helpers? I grieved the end of this relationship of ours. I didn’t feel the joy or relief that I thought I would.
A month later, and I think I’m doing better. She’s come into bed a few mornings, hugged me, and fallen asleep (oh the joy!). On instinct, she’s pulled up my shirt a few times, then pulled it down and cuddled to sleep. She’s once asked for dudu when tired and sleepy in the car. I explained why she couldn’t have any and she understood.
We are developing new rhythms and patterns. New sleep associations. New ways of connection.
Looking back, I can’t imagine doing this any differently. Our process wasn’t completely child led, but it was right for all of us as a family. We had previously attempted gentle night weaning when she was around 14 months but it never really worked as she wasn’t ready. This time around she was. And her mother is slowly coming around too.
